So far, my plan to live forever seems to be working.

Of course we won’t know if my plan to live forever fails until it stops working, but a lot of you won’t be around by then, wink-wink and I for sure won’t know, so I think we’re good there.

I have wanted to live forever for as long as I can remember, and I can remember a long time because, despite having lived for so long, my mind is very sharp.

Example: I use the same passwords for literally everything, that way I don’t have to waste time remembering them all. Fucking genius. Go ahead and steal that if you want. You’re welcome.

Einstein wore the same outfit everyday. Steve Jobs wore that black turtle neck… same. Me, Einstein, Jobs. See what’s happening there? I also use the word literally only when it literally applies because I’m not an asshole who has to exaggerate stuff.

I also want to live forever because I think of new, funny things to say all the time and I never, ever skip a day.

I keep coming up with funky ass shit like, every single day.That’s from Snoop Dog’s Gin and Juice — some of you kids may not have heard of that one. It’s ok, that shit is 24 years old. Everybody brought their cups, but they ain’t chipped in.

Still true today, Snoop.

Mostly, my son thinks I’m pretty funny and I imagine one day when he has kids, they will also think I am hilarious and I look forward to having a bigger fan base so that’ll be cool.

I was watching the South Park HBO Pandemic Special the other night — the first time I checked out South Park in forever. It’s still the same — hilarious some of the time — gross and stupid a little bit and then jarringly relevant. But who cares? We’re talking about me. I remember being at a Christmas party and seeing a bootleg VHS tape of these foulmouth kids which was literally the funniest thing any of us had seen up to that point in our lives. A couple years later that cartoon turned out to be something called South Park.

A copy of a copy on VHS was how South Park “went viral.” And that’s what’s awesome about having lived forever. I remember that shit.

Another awesome thing was texting the friends who showed us that tape and having a laugh about it all. Shout out to J&J.

I remember Harry Potter books before there were Harry Potter movies. I saw Star Wars in the movie theatre. Yada yada cassette tapes, whatever.

But surely there is more to wisdom than being first in line with a pop culture reference and coming in a close second at Trivia Night. Fucking sports questions…

And that thing is this: Self Respect. There is a pretty cool moment when you look back over some of what life had in store for you and you think, “Hey dude, remember that shit-mountain we climbed? Good job buddy, thanks for that,” and you will want to buy yourself a drink. And, you should.

Be your own cheerleader. There’s some free advice for you. Also: If you’re going to be a cheerleader, be a hot one. If you’re going to be a whore, be a high priced one. Shit, maybe I’ll write a self-help book.

But with all that comes finally, actually knowing yourself. Not in a touchy-feely way like, “If you were an endangered species what would you be?”; or like when women used to get together and look at their vaginas in a hand held mirror, (look it up,) but I mean — when you say to yourself, “Oh. I’m doing the thing I always used to do.” Or “This is triggering me because of this,” or “This asshole I think I hate actually reminds me of so and so.”

Or at dinner, watching a family situation blow-up in a certain way while you sit and smile to yourself knowing that this shit is not about you at all.

I consider myself lucky that I have had mostly younger friends throughout my life. I have almost always been the oldest guy in the room.

My nick name was Daddy at least twenty years before I became a father. I may go back and cut that part out later. Sounds dirty. But if that has kept me from playing air-guitar when a Springsteen song comes on in the bar, then I am truly grateful.

I think younger people make fun of you for being old because some of them are so goddamn insecure that they are quaking on their wee, spindly fawn legs.

Others, like me when I was a lad in my 20s, believe deeply that they know everything and that everything is going to be awesome and why don’t old people shut up and why do they look so tired all the time? I was at a college graduation a little while ago, and while I was waxing rhapsodic about what an amazing thing it is to be beginning life’s journey and how you really only ever do that once, some other part of me was reminded of old footage of people boarding the Titanic.

Hope y’all motherfuckers can swim.

Everyone says to age like a fine wine, but I’m going to age like an old beer that you find in the back of the fridge and wonder if its still okay to drink, the whole time knowing you are going to.

Whomp. There it is.